Underage drinking is the Midwest’s favorite pastime…only second to teen pregnancy.

Here are some signs that you may be partying with underage Midwesterners:

You were invited to a party at his or her parent’s house after ”meeting” in a chat room called I heart High School Musical.

Within an hour of arriving, many of the male attendees at the party are shirtless, have peed themselves and are passed out in various corners around the house.

A group of female attendees seem to be simultaneously crying and diligently working to brush the vomit out of a each other’s hair.

The music of choice is anything by The Jonas Brothers and the drinks of choice are any kind of hard cider, malt liquor or variation of Puckers.

You can’t put your drink down for a minute without someone picking it up and starting to chug it.

Many attendees at the party have braces and repeatedly say things like:

Man, I’m wasted

Did I mention how drunk I am!?!

I AM THE DRUNKEST PERSON ALIVE!

No! I’m WAY drunker than you, dude.

Midwestern Nightclub Logic:

I only wear ALL black to the club because it hides my winter weight.

I’m an excellent dancer. I just love raising the roof!

Last night was sooooooo fun…except for the part when I picked up a nasty case of genital warts. No worries, I don’t plan on telling anyone anyways.

I’ll totally mack on a fat, tan chick, but hell no, I won’t get on a fat, pale girl!

I hate when my baby daddy shows up at the club and ruins my buzz.

I was looking so good at the club last night. I put on an entire bottle of bronzer and glitter.

It’s such bullshit when you go to the club and the bartender won’t serve you because of some dumb reason like, being pregnant. UGH!

I hit the tanning beds two times a day - for a week when I know I’m heading out to the clubs that weekend. Sometimes when I’m tanning, it feels like my insides are liquifying, but it’s totally worth it!

Midwestern Mom Jean Logic:

Flat asses are sexy!

I like when the top of my jeans touch my nipples.

I now have carpal tunnel from brushing my hair, but it’s worth it.

I like the way it feels when my hair tickles my butt crack.

Dear Mom,

I realize that you still wish it were 1975 and you were once again the chick with no crow’s feet, stretch marks or arthritis, but sadly, it’s not. It’s 2008 Mom! And frankly, your hair and clothes desperately need an upgrade. I know you are only keeping this look because some drunk guy back in 1980 said you reminded him of CHER. Mom, drunk people say the darndest things and their words shouldn’t define your style. And as for that hair of yours,  aren’t you sick of peeing on it all the time? No offense, but the smell of urine lingers whenever you walk past. I think it’s time you cut it off!

And I know that you LOVE wearing mom jeans and flaunting your FUPA and flat ass, but you’re embarassing me in front of my friends. Do you realize that my friends were betting on the length of your crotch in your jeans?? Just an FYI… Tommy Olson won with his guess of 13 inches! I don’t know what universe you live in these days, but that’s too long of a crotch. I don’t want you to change who you are mom - just what you look like.

With love and hope that a change is gonna come,

Your daugher.

Nothing says RUN! Midwestern bachelorette party like loud mouths, feather boas and a false sense of attractiveness. 

Nothing says we know where the weed and/or crank the working man’s drug is at like Midwestern man-friends clad in oversized leather jackets, newsie caps and dark under eye circles.

Nothing says a LONG Midwestern marriage like jean jackets, chain smoking, pull tabs, very little communication and nightly “dates” to the VFW.

Nothing says I like to booze in my parent’s basement like puka shell necklaces and a taste for any kind of liquor that’s put in front of you.

Damn Mom! I told you not to wake me up before Noon! I don’t have to be to my shift at KFC until two!

Nothing says I started drinking at Noon today like “straight” girls taking pics of themselves kissing their girlfriends.

AND…

Nothing says  I kissed a girl and I’m afraid God hated it, like pulling away after the token Myspace picture of the kiss has been taken while yelling….”Oh shit, why didn’t I read my bracelet more closely!?! This is NOT what Jesus would do!”

Midwestern Logic:

It’s not me!! My body is just more prone to gonorrhea than most.

My genitals tend to run hot so it just makes more sense to leave my pants at home.

No one takes me seriously when I’m dressed in my “work” clothes.

(When no one is looking…we make our Sims characters Woo Hoo!)

Midwestern (curious man-friend) Logic:

It’s not gay if I don’t say it’s gay.

It’s not gay if it was just an accident…Sometimes I sleep walk and accidentially put my finger in my sleeping friend’s butt. Totally harmless.

It’s not gay if he’s wearing Axe Body Spray…it cannot be resisted.

I can’t be gay. I like fishing, hunting, lifting weights and John McCain.

It’s not gay if the president does it.

It’s not gay if it helps me to clean those hard to reach areas.

It’s not gay if I think about power tools while its happening.

It’s not gay if we’re twins.

Midwestern Logic:

This is what happens to “friends” who are skinnier than the bride on her wedding day!

The uglier my friends look, the better I feel.

This dress ensures her safety while drunk and crossing the street at night.

Booger is the IT color of the season!

Dear Mom,

What is with your hair? Is this the kind of thing that I have to look forward to when I hit menopause? I realize that you want to appear more youthful since your divorce from dad, but this just makes you look stupid.  Are you trying to hide something in that rat’s nest on top of your head? Needles? Pipes? A tumor? The papers for the private bank account that you opened up without dad knowing? I know you keep telling me that you look and feel ”awesome.” So awesome that you just pitched your idea to Bravo for a Real Housewives of Minnesota show, but I highly doubt anyone wants to watch you and your recently divorced clique stumble around Downtown Minneapolis every weekend in hopes of scoring some Gen Y ass.

Anyways, I just thought you should know that my classmates laugh when you come to pick me up from school. They call you Amy Oldhouse and ask me if you keep your crack pipes in there? I think you should just start dressing like a mom again. If not for me, please do it for yourself. I realize that I’m only 14, but you will only score the clap with a hairdo like that! 

With Love and DEEP Concern,

Your Daughter

Worst Midwestern Man-Friend Pick-up Lines:

• You make me feel all warm in my Carhartt overalls.

• Want a ride home on my Segway?

• You’re hot! You look just like my mom.

• You’re all I can think about while I’m taking a dump.

• My wife and I are looking for a third…interested?

• Do I have any meth in my teeth?

• My therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to get out and meet girls without using Rohypnol.

BEST Midwestern Man-Friend Pick-up Lines:

• Want to come over and help me smoke my weed?

• What a lovely sweater…you’re the skinniest girl I’ve ever seen.

• I got a case of Diet Dr. Pepper and I need someone to help me drink it…interested?

• How about I come over to your place and rub your back and paint your toe nails?

• Your hair is like, really pretty.

• I have money.

• Oh yes, I also find it appalling how women in our society are still constantly objectified and forced to believe that they are only as good as they look. If I could put an end to anything, it would that awful Girls Gone Wild franchise.

In another attempt by the White boiZ to the 3rd Power to be the “dopest” and “illest” gang of number-munching thugs in the Midwest, they have started tagging over people’s tags. The nerve!

An Iowan WB3P member who goes by the moniker, Frack You, calls the new hobby “totally fracking bad ass.” He also seems to have no remorse for tagging over the tags of other scary hoodlums. “Yeah, we’ll tag over your tag…what of it” he told the TC when we contacted him at his crib (aka Grandma Louise’s house). “We tag over other people’s tags and then take pics of it and post it on our Facebook group White boiZ gonna getcha.” Wow, sounds thrilling! Keep up all those dirty deeds WB3P’s!

Note to Midwestern parents: This is what happens when you continue to wipe your son’s ass until he’s 12!

(I was created by a fat stoner!)

Midwestern Logic: This is considered art.

Midwestern Logic: Photoshop bullying is a great way to express my inner bitch, while retaining my “Christian” values. If you can’t hear it…it doesn’t hurt as bad.

Midwestern Logic: Convenience takes precedence over style. These Crocs are so easy to get on…they save me so much time. I mean this Jagermeister isn’t going to drink itself! Shoe laces are for the sober.

Crocs are the worst invention since the parking meter and the female condom.

Here are the ONLY reasons any Midwesterner should EVER be seen in a pair of these rubber nerd-boats: 

• You are extremely obese and these are the only shoes that fit your mammoth feet.

• You’re blind, deaf, and high on heroin.

• People refer to you as Grandpa Dale, you have glaucoma and you are no longer allowed to drive.

• You’re homeless. It’s obvious you have bigger problems than affection for ugly “shoes.”

• Elmo is your hero and your mom still wipes your tuckus.

Don’t believe the hype! The Midwest is full of bad ass gangs that thrive off of scaring your grandma into a diabetic seizure.

(STROM, Leader of the Midwest’s scariest gang of white boiZ is one bad mutha!)

Word is he once drank a 12 pack of Jolt Cola and stayed up for 3 days straight robbing fools on Second Life.

The WB3P’s have continued their crime spree across the Midwest this summer. Recent crimes include:

Des Moines, Iowa - 2 WB3P members were arrested for stealing Little Caesar’s crazy bread from a table of teenage girls in the food court at the mall.

Eau Claire, Wisconsin - 5 WB3P members were accused of checking out library books with a fraudulent library card. Books checked out included: Video Game Cheat Codes 2008, The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Having Sex and Little Women. Supposedly, WB3P member - Milky Love - has a ”thing” for actual little women and thought that the great American novel would include pics of little women who he could reference for his “enjoyment.” He was said to be very disappointed once he got the book home.

Be careful Midwest…the WB3P’s are popping up all over!

(Sally and Tom are proudly showing off the warm-up pants they got as a wedding gift)

Midwestern Logic:

The more noise my pants make, the more fun they are to wear.

It’s so cute…we’re married, but people say we look like brother and sister.

My idea of a GREAT time is going to a cabin with no running water and drinking every night in front bonfire until I black out.

It was so nice out today. It got up to 55 degrees.